To all my internet pals:
As
the holidays enchroach, my heartfelt appreciation goes
out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble
to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
wealthy.
Extra
thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the
glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also,
I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I
no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their cans.
I
no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
I
no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I
no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I
no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I
no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS
or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I
no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I
no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I
no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I
no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count
I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me.
Thanks
to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.
I
no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th
time)
I
no longer have any money at all - but that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes,
I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 88,888 people
in the next 8 minutes, a chimp with avian flu will fuck
your mouth at 8:00 PM. I know this will occur because
it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Outpatient 8
Dec 22nd, 2005
|