Never underestimate eBay’s willingness to promote
that pitiful, shameful side of humanity…you know,
the one that makes us all feel so much better about ourselves.
Let us look back, upon yet another week of pathetic auctions
on our favorite website.
 TITLE:
Need
a hug? Who doesn't? This auction is for you!
LISTED: July 13, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 0
CURRENT PRICE: $0.99
How
precious. Somebody selling something as simple as a “hug”
on Ebay! This abomination is actually an auction for a
huggable teddy bear that you can squeeze whenever you
are feeling lonely. Why spend twenty bucks on a hooker,
when you can be the proud owner of a used stuffed animal?
This sickeningly sweet auction includes a ridiculous amount
of text, followed by a brief “sob story” of
how poor and worthless the woman selling this bear really
is. Best of all, is the self-taken photo of her obese,
hairy arm tightly gripping a teddy bear. I’m thinking
that maybe she’s the one who needs the hug, here.
 TITLE:
Unusually
Shaped Tomato
LISTED: JULY 13, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 3
CURRENT PRICE: $10.99
The picture says it all. This is, simply put, a tomato
shaped like a dick. Although tasteless, “penis humor”
is always quite humorous, in my book. I almost bid on
this one.
 TITLE:
The
most useless auction on eBay... GUARANTEED!
LISTED: JULY 9, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: Sadly, 9
CURRENT PRICE: $4.03
The
most useless auction ever…truer words have never
been spoken. Somewhere in the world, a white trash woman
was in search of something to sell on Ebay. Deep in thought,
she began peeling off her fake, acrylic, airbrushed nails…and
the rest, as they say, is history. Pathetic, yes. Even
more disturbing is the fact that nine people have actually
bid on such a monstrosity. This is a sick world we live
in.
 TITLE:
My
last smoked cigarette...FREE SHIPPING!
LISTED:
JULY 9, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 4
CURRENT PRICE: $0.16
There
are no words to describe how amazingly absurd this auction
is. Just the mere idea of an actual human being willing
to spend money on a stubbed-out cigarette butt sends my
logical mind into a senseless frenzy. I do not understand.
Dear God, I do not understand.
 TITLE:
“WIN
A GUITAR LESSON WITH ROCK LEGEND, NIKKI LIXX!”
LISTED: JULY 9, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 5
CURRENT PRICE: $20.50
You
may remember Nikki Lixx from last week’s “Most
Pathetic Auctions”, and I am happy to report that
she has returned, ready to claim her fame by driving to
your hometown, in order to give you a two-hour guitar
lesson. Fascinating, how she is able to leave her “rock
star” lifestyle at the drop of a hat, in order to
give hope to the future musicians of the world. What a
gal!
COOLEST EBAY AUCTION THIS WEEK
 TITLE:
PODUNK
REDNECK DELUXE TRAILER VACATION GETAWAY…YEEHAW!
We’ve got bologna and cold beer waitin’!
LISTED: JULY 8, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 60
CURRENT PRICE: $910.52
This
is, hands down, the most awesome thing I have ever seen
in my life. A self proclaimed “redneck”, and
his wife are offering a seven-day stay in his New Hampshire
trailer, equipped with “running water” and
“air conditioning”. Extras include:
- Pink
flamingo lawn ornaments
- Plastic
baby pool
- Complimentary
toilet paper
- Free
bug spray
- Plenty
of bologna, hot dogs, and beer
According to the description, this
is an “actual” auction, and the winner
will, indeed, receive a vacation to be remembered.
Who needs Hawaii?
HAVE
YOU SEEN AN EBAY AUCTION THAT CAUSES YOU TO LOSE FAITH
IN HUMANITY, AS A WHOLE? SEND US YOUR BIZARRE, DEPRESSING,
OR JUST PLAIN RIDICULOUS AUCTIONS, AND WE’LL
LIST THEM!
 
Jenny
July 14th, 2005
|
