Ebay has become
a scary place. No longer is it a site for you to sell
your old eight-track or antique silverware to make a buck.
It now consists of amateur porn, plenty of folks begging
for a handout, and (best of all) absolutely absurd auctions
created mostly by computer geeks and people who give themselves
far too much credit in thinking they are cute or funny
or both. Here are the top five listings that have been
posted this week, each one mistaking “stupidity”
for “creativity” in their own special way.
 TITLE:
“EBAY’S ORIGINAL HAIRY CHEST GUY IS BACK!”
LISTED: July 3, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 0
CURRENT PRICE:
$0.99
Thank God that Ebay’s original “hairy
chest guy” has returned, since there must have been
so many others trying desperately to duplicate this man’s
ingenious idea to sell his trimmed chest hair.
That’s right, you too could be the lucky winner
of a sealed Ziplock baggie containing the chest hair he
trimmed off of his sickeningly hairy chest! But that’s
not all…. act now, and you will also receive two
8 X 10 before-and-after pictures of his pre and post trimmed
pecs. Autographed, of course. Clearly, the possibilities
of owning this product are endless.
 TITLE:
“PEANUT THINKS HE’S A DOG AND WANTS TO BE
ADOPTED”
LISTED: July 3, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 1
CURRENT PRICE:
$0.99
A perfect example of what College students do when they’re
stoned. Apparently, the single peanut being sold here
is a victim of an identity crisis, and needs a fresh start.
This auction includes a tin can, and adoption papers.
To make matters worse, the description uses an abundance
of depressing puns, such as, “Everyone tells him
he’s NUTS!” and “Can you bring this
peanut out of his SHELL?” I fail to see the hilarity
in all this.
 TITLE:
“CAN A PIECE OF CHICKEN POOP SELL ON EBAY? SURE
IT CAN!”
LISTED: June 30, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 2
CURRENT PRICE:
$1.04
It is unimaginable to me why there are people who exist
willing to spend money on shit. The confusion I feel about
this auction is so great that I can no longer write any
more about it, as the title speaks for itself. Stop the
madness.
 TITLE:
“THE BEST TIME MACHINE PACKAGE EVER!”
LISTED: June 30, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 5
CURRENT PRICE:
$20.00
Somebody spent WAY too much time putting this auction
together. Keep in mind, that this is not just a simple
“time machine”, but also a package
that includes a “teleporter”, a “temporal
accelerator phase and stasis device”, and a “shame
remover”. The seller also took the time to Photoshop
his face into pictures with Babe Ruth, Albert Einstein,
and the cast of Star Wars (huh?) to prove this device
is no joke.
The repetitive thumping noise you may here is the sound
of me banging my head against the wall, and asking “WHY???”
 TITLE:
“WIN A DATE WITH ROCK STAR LEGEND, NIKKI LIXX!”
LISTED: June 28, 2005
NUMBER OF BIDS: 14
CURRENT PRICE:
$1000.00
Never heard of Nikki Lixx, and her legendary rock band,
“McFly”? Neither have we. Apparently, everyone
bidding on this auction doesn’t seem to care if
she’s famous or not…due to the fact it is
up to one thousand poorly spent dollars. Although
it may sound like a good deal of money, I find it to be
a small price to pay for a person to come to the realization
that her career is such a catastrophe that she is forced
to prostitute herself on Ebay, in order to pay the rent.
Good luck, Nikki!
Make sure to
check for future updates of the most pathetic Ebay auctions,
ever. As they say, “Stupidity never dies!”
 EBAY’S
VINTAGE FILM OF THE WEEK
“Incredibly Disturbing Children’s Bicycle
Safety Film, 1963”
Completely bothersome on a fundamental level, this film
details a group of children, all wearing ape masks, on
a seemingly innocent bike ride to a picnic in the park.
Along the way, all but one are violently eliminated due
to violating basic safety rules. Bizarre, yet oddly appealing.
This may be one to add to my movie collection.
Jenny
July 7th, 2005
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