Summer Mayhem 2006

Lately, things have been heating up in the land of the zombies. I find myself drawn to the summer fare of our all powerful television overlords. I could write this article like some smug pompous asshole who is above it all, but I fucking love trash tv, so let's get a little dirty. Beware reading this list, you may get as hooked as I am. Alright, let's get this bitch started...

Rockstar: SuperNova

This is basically a talent competition for “rock” singers. It is hosted by Brooke Burke and Dave Navarro. The winner becomes the lead singer for supergroup, SuperNova, which is comprised of Tommy Lee, Jason Newstead and Gilby Clarke. Now you might be asking yourself, who the fuck is Gilby Clarke? Or you might ask yourself, why the fuck am I not watching this show.

The contestants over sing and overact to incredible degrees trying to come off as true “rockers”. This leads to endlessly hilarious boot stomping and crazy eyed looks at the camera. It seems like each episode comes with a cringe inducing Nirvana cover as standard. Some of them truly have to be seen to be believed.

The beauty of the show is that some of the performances truly are great. Maybe, I have no taste or I am a total fucking idiot, but I think some of them are truly talented. There's no bullshit Burt Bacharach night or any of that other stupid shit on this show. It's all music you've listened to and probably liked being butchered on stage for your amusement.

The smart money is on Delana or Magni to take the prize, but I have a place in my heart for the troubled Zayra, who's bizarre alien slut costumes and truly weird pronunciations have an unidentifiable appeal. Her performance tonight truly seemed otherworldly and strange. Also, one of my favorite shitheads to hate, Ryan Starr, pulled a fucking brilliant piano performance out of his ass.

This show is a must watch for the judging by the rock stars alone. Tommy Lee enlightens the audience with quips like “That performance will totally get you laid.” I have an unconfirmed theory that Tommy is kicking off the women one by one only after he fucks them.

Hell's Kitchen

The irascible chef, Gordon Ramsey is back for a second season, and this time he's really pissed. I guess they figured that his berating the cooks made for good tv and decided to push it over the edge. He screams things like “Shut your fat fucking mouth you stupid cow!” and constantly belittles fat people by calling them “big boy” and “fat fucking asses”. He also enjoys calling each female a cunt at least once.

I don't know what is about the show, they over dramatize everything and each episode contains some kind of asinine first for the show. “For the first time in Hell's Kitchen Chef Ramsey rapes one of the male contestants. Stay tuned...”

I love reality tv and I love insults, so this one is an easy home run, especially if you like ugly 40-something bull dykes that suck at cooking.

Big Brother All Stars

Alright, this is where I become embarassed. I have always hated the Big Brother series, with the exception of season 2. They have brought back all of the biggest assholes from previous series to lie and backstab each other for an entire season. They have also brought back my all time favorite character, Dr. Will. He easily makes the show hilarious to watch and actually is good at the “game”. Whatever that game may be.

There is of course the mandatory bikini contests and dumb ass food challenges, but this season is really starting to grab my attention. It took me a couple of episodes to get into it, but now I am hooked. I truly have gone over the edge, my friends, and I fear there is no turning back. This show is on THREE times a week for an hour each episode. It is a complete waste of time and energy, and I CANNOT stop watching it.

How Art Made the World

Now for all you intellectuals out there, I haven't forgotten you. This show is fucking brilliant. I haven't seen every episode, but the ones I have seen were truly remarkable. It traces the facets of life from the beginning of mankind to now and how different forms of art have molded them. From propaganda to images of death, this series covers it all and truly gives you something to think about. If you can find it, watch it.

Till next time...

Jonny O
August 1, 2006