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Weekly Weird News
09/15/2005





WEEKLY WEIRD NEWS: THE ONLY NEWS SOURCE WORTH READING



Is your local news source incapable of covering the hard-hitting stories you’ve been craving? Is the local anchorman a bit too conservative for your voyeuristic taste? Never fear, little ones; for this latest addition to DMO is sure to fulfill all of your sick perversions, while satisfying your need for worldwide news.


COKE WHORE CAN’T TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER
SAN DIEGO, CA- SEPTEMBER 1, 2005: Exotic dancer, Lawanda Dixon lost her fucking mind Thursday night, when she allegedly stabbed a patron at the strip club where she performed. Melik Jordan, 33, was spending an evening there with friends, when Dixon approached him and offered him a lap dance. When Jordan refused, the stripper began a verbal confrontation, attempting to persuade him to change his mind. After several minutes of arguing, Dixon then proceeded to pull out a knife and stab him. No word on where the Hell she may have possibly pulled a knife from.

Although Jordan was not seriously injured, the crazed stripper was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon. Once in custody, she was found to be in possession of methamphetamines. It is also undetermined where exactly these drugs could have possibly been found.


MALE HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER WATCHES ONE TOO MANY EPISODES OF “DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES”
BETHLEHEM, PA- SEPTEMBER 1, 2005: Lehigh High School teacher, Keith L. Snyder, 53, was arrested on one count of criminal solicitation and tampering with physical evidence, and seven counts of corruption of minors, last Thursday.

In an apparent attempt to win the “Gayest Arrest Ever” Award, Snyder had formed a habit of hiring young, male students to do landscaping on his property, along with other chores. Allegedly, all were paid in accordance to how little they were wearing. It is reported that Snyder offered “bonus pay” ranging from three to ten dollars an hour, based upon whether the boys were shirtless, wearing a “singlet” (one piece wrestling uniform), spandex shorts, a Speedo, or merely a thong. The teacher’s handyman fantasy was led to an abrupt halt when several parents began to complain. Snyder’s students also claim that he had enjoyed photographing them while they performed yard work, which was confirmed when police found photo collages that Snyder had created of the nearly nude boys, displayed throughout his home. Once authorities obtained a warrant to search the rest of the property, they also found an abundance of shredded photos of boys performing stripteases for the middle-aged pervert. Snyder was released on $10,000 bail, and has been permanently suspended without pay.

GOOD NEWS FOR CROSSDRESSERS
SAN FRANCISCO, CA: Tired of always spending countless dollars on pesky sex-change operations? Or worse yet, are you just plain sick of tucking your testicles into g-strings that never seem to fit? City Council Officials in San Francisco have finally put an end to such burdens, and have proudly stated that they are the only city in the nation to openly support “transgender equality”.

A bill has recently been passed that provides all sex change operations to be covered within the benefits of health insurance, in an “important step against discrimination”. Insurance policies will also cover hormone treatments, and in some cases, breast augmentation surgery. Taxpayers should be reassured to know that their hard earned dollars are now able to help a sick, panty wearing fuck lop off his balls; an operation that would have cost as much as $77,000, had it not been covered under insurance.


ONE MORE GOOD REASON TO PROCRASTINATE
TORONTO, CANADA- AUGUST 28, 2005: Jim Saunders, a resident of Toronto, was found deceased in his bed by authorities. Appearing to have passed away in his sleep, Saunders’ death hadn’t drawn much attention from the neighboring apartments in his community. This was made abundantly clear, due to the fact that by the time his decomposing body had been discovered, he had been dead for approximately TWO YEARS.

Due to the fact that Saunders had set up all of his housing fees and bills to be automatically withdrawn from his bank account, nobody even noticed that anything was awry. You would think at least the Mailman would have caught on, after the first year or so.


KANYE WEST PREFERS BOOTY OVER BUSH
NEW YORK, NY- SEPTEMBER 2, 2005: NBC’s Celebrity Fundraiser aired live on five channels across the East Coast last Friday, and rapper Kanye West took full advantage of the event to speak his mind. While standing alongside actor Mike Myers, in an attempt to gain donations for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, West began on a tangent about how black families in New Orleans had been portrayed poorly by the media. A somewhat nervous looking Myers allowed West to finish his rant, before continuing with his pre-scripted speech. Kanye then looked directly at the camera and, almost as an afterthought, stated, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”. The producers immediately cut to a shot of comedian Chris Tucker, but the rapper’s words had already been aired, unedited. NBC has been quoted to say that West “departed from the scripted comments prepared for him”, and that the three second delay used on live performances only obstruct profanity, but can do nothing to stop enraged rap stars, high on PCP.



AND THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS…ALL THE WEEKLY NEWS YOU NEED!
SO, TURN OFF THOSE TV SETS AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR NEXT WEEK’S INSTALLMENT!



Jenny
Sept. 15th, 2005