WEEKLY WEIRD NEWS: THE ONLY NEWS SOURCE
your local news source incapable of covering the hard-hitting
stories you’ve been craving? Is the local anchorman
a bit too conservative for your voyeuristic taste? Never
fear, little ones; for this latest addition to DMO is
sure to fulfill all of your sick perversions, while satisfying
your need for worldwide news.
WHORE CAN’T TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER
DIEGO, CA- SEPTEMBER 1, 2005: Exotic dancer, Lawanda Dixon
lost her fucking mind Thursday night, when she allegedly
stabbed a patron at the strip club where she performed.
Melik Jordan, 33, was spending an evening there with friends,
when Dixon approached him and offered him a lap dance.
When Jordan refused, the stripper began a verbal confrontation,
attempting to persuade him to change his mind. After several
minutes of arguing, Dixon then proceeded to pull out a
knife and stab him. No word on where the Hell she may
have possibly pulled a knife from.
Although Jordan was not seriously injured, the crazed
stripper was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly
weapon. Once in custody, she was found to be in possession
of methamphetamines. It is also undetermined where exactly
these drugs could have possibly been found.
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER WATCHES ONE TOO MANY EPISODES OF “DESPERATE
PA- SEPTEMBER 1, 2005: Lehigh High School teacher, Keith
L. Snyder, 53, was arrested on one count of criminal solicitation
and tampering with physical evidence, and seven counts
of corruption of minors, last Thursday.
In an apparent attempt to win the “Gayest Arrest
Ever” Award, Snyder had formed a habit of hiring
young, male students to do landscaping on his property,
along with other chores. Allegedly, all were paid in accordance
to how little they were wearing. It is reported that Snyder
offered “bonus pay” ranging from three to
ten dollars an hour, based upon whether the boys were
shirtless, wearing a “singlet” (one piece
wrestling uniform), spandex shorts, a Speedo, or merely
a thong. The teacher’s handyman fantasy was led
to an abrupt halt when several parents began to complain.
Snyder’s students also claim that he had enjoyed
photographing them while they performed yard work, which
was confirmed when police found photo collages that Snyder
had created of the nearly nude boys, displayed throughout
his home. Once authorities obtained a warrant to search
the rest of the property, they also found an abundance
of shredded photos of boys performing stripteases for
the middle-aged pervert. Snyder was released on $10,000
bail, and has been permanently suspended without pay.
NEWS FOR CROSSDRESSERS
FRANCISCO, CA: Tired of always spending countless dollars
on pesky sex-change operations? Or worse yet, are you
just plain sick of tucking your testicles into g-strings
that never seem to fit? City Council Officials in San
Francisco have finally put an end to such burdens, and
have proudly stated that they are the only city in the
nation to openly support “transgender equality”.
A bill has recently been passed that provides all sex
change operations to be covered within the benefits of
health insurance, in an “important step against
discrimination”. Insurance policies will also cover
hormone treatments, and in some cases, breast augmentation
surgery. Taxpayers should be reassured to know that their
hard earned dollars are now able to help a sick, panty
wearing fuck lop off his balls; an operation that would
have cost as much as $77,000, had it not been covered
MORE GOOD REASON TO PROCRASTINATE
CANADA- AUGUST 28, 2005: Jim Saunders, a resident of Toronto,
was found deceased in his bed by authorities. Appearing
to have passed away in his sleep, Saunders’ death
hadn’t drawn much attention from the neighboring
apartments in his community. This was made abundantly
clear, due to the fact that by the time his decomposing
body had been discovered, he had been dead for approximately
Due to the fact that Saunders had set up all of his housing
fees and bills to be automatically withdrawn from his
bank account, nobody even noticed that anything was awry.
You would think at least the Mailman would have caught
on, after the first year or so.
WEST PREFERS BOOTY OVER BUSH
YORK, NY- SEPTEMBER 2, 2005: NBC’s Celebrity Fundraiser
aired live on five channels across the East Coast last
Friday, and rapper Kanye West took full advantage of the
event to speak his mind. While standing alongside actor
Mike Myers, in an attempt to gain donations for the victims
of Hurricane Katrina, West began on a tangent about how
black families in New Orleans had been portrayed poorly
by the media. A somewhat nervous looking Myers allowed
West to finish his rant, before continuing with his pre-scripted
speech. Kanye then looked directly at the camera and,
almost as an afterthought, stated, “George Bush
doesn’t care about black people”. The producers
immediately cut to a shot of comedian Chris Tucker, but
the rapper’s words had already been aired, unedited.
NBC has been quoted to say that West “departed from
the scripted comments prepared for him”, and that
the three second delay used on live performances only
obstruct profanity, but can do nothing to stop enraged
rap stars, high on PCP.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, FOLKS…ALL THE WEEKLY NEWS YOU
SO, TURN OFF THOSE TV SETS AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR NEXT
Sept. 15th, 2005