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Apocalypse Countdown:
5th of August, Year of our Lord 2005

Hello my friend! It’s been a slow news week, but I’ve still been able to pull together a handful of Armageddon for you! Wasting my time away with my thumb up my ass, I realized it’s my job to pull that thumb out and jam it right into you, the reader’s eager, willing brain. Let’s do this!

Japanese are one step closer to fucking a robot…
As we all know, scientists in Japan have been working feverishly trying to create a robot capable of simulating a human. The creepy, animatronic fuck doll was recently revealed at the 2005 World Expo to a crowd of horny scientists. It mimics breathing and can block an attempted slap. Yes, that’s right… the great minds of our times are trying to recreate a woman, just like in Weird Science.

Fans of the Real Doll should be quite pleased that the robot is built from skin-like silicone and can flutter it’s eyes. These robots are not for sale and are at the cutting edge of new technology.

We should all breathe a sigh of relief as we realize that no matter what, the Japanese will continue working day and night to bring our soon-to-be, cruel and sadistic robotic masters and overlords into reality. At which time, the human race will be enslaved by their own brutal creations to toil their lives away at the futile hope of a merciful end to their existence, which ironically will happen by some sort of pleasure robot fucking them to death.

Japanese Robot Article

Prehistoric Race War…
Apparently, Neanderthals and humans were at war over the Middle East for thousands upon thousands of years. Am I the only person that finds this interesting? Can you imagine a fucking movie about the wars between Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens? I’m ready to finance it now!

Throughout the tens of thousands of years of battle, control of the area now known as the Middle East, passed hands back and forth several times. Neanderthals are now thought to have been much smarter than ever previously thought. They were on par with humans for some time, until the introduction of tools jettisoned humans into world dominance.

Every time I see that one hairy apelike guy at the beach or pendulous-titted troll woman at Wal-Mart, I wonder if the Neanderthal genes were just mixed into the human gene pool through hot girl on Neanderthal fucking.

Check out the Neanderthal war!

Wal-Mart feels the heat…
The hatred for the mega-corporation Wal-Mart has been at a slow boil for many years. It is finally reaching its breaking point as people everywhere are uniting to change the behemoth’s ways. Between using foreign child labor forced at gunpoint, paying its employees jack shit and overall acting like assholes, Wal-Mart has been rubbing people the wrong way for years. Through its own ability to come into small communities and destroy local businesses and economies, Wal-Mart is well known as a corporate evil. Their strong-armed negotiating tactics and cutthroat business ethics have created many enemies.

Several groups are uniting together to get the chain to change its business model. Understanding that not everyone is rich and can afford to spend 10 fucking dollars for a Fram oil filter instead of 2 at the ‘mart, their plan is to ask people to spend as little as possible at the store. Whenever possible, buy local and buy from the little guy. There is a movie coming soon that documents the bullshit that Wal-Mart has shoveled onto the average joe since it first opened.
Here’s the movie’s site:

Wal-Mart the motherfucking movie!

Alright, that’s it for now. I know, I know... Too much prancing and not enough dancing this time… just remember, kids, if a stranger offers you candy bludgeon his face in with a tire iron!
Here's one for the road!

Jonny O