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You Get What You Pay For

As some of you may or may not know, I have a minor addiction to Ebay. It began as a somewhat time-consuming past time, has grown into an actual “lifestyle”, and has gotten to the point where I am currently purchasing all of my shampoo, toothpaste, and household cleaning products from the site (I recently got a super deal on a sponge, for a mere fifteen cents…with free shipping!). Despite all of this, Ebay is also useful in buying items one may be ashamed to purchase in a store: enema kits, ball gags, and of course…porn.

So, there I was, cruisin’ through the “Mature Audience” section, in the wee hours of the morning. By this time, I was half drunk due to sleep deprivation, with the other half drunk off of box wine. I come across an auction for the movie “Deep Throat”, starring Linda Lovelace. Surely you’ve heard of it. This is classic, vintage pornography, people! Being the 1970’s porn freak that I am (stay tuned for upcoming reviews of the “Debbie Does Dallas” trilogy), I was more than willing to use the “Buy It Now” option, in order to make this historical film all mine! Pleased with my purchase for the evening, I fell into a pleasant slumber, with visions of unshaven, 70’s-style pubic hair dancing through my head.

The following day, I receive an email confirming my payment. Upon scrolling further down, however, I make quite an alarming find: “Your item will be shipped within two business days. Thank you for your order of “Deep Throat: The Biggest Hardest Cocks in Gay Porn”. A brief description of the movie followed.

Uh…excuse me? This was not at all going as planned. Surely I did not just shell out twenty bucks for “three raw hours of hot, cock choking, boy-on-boy action”. Or, did I?

“Dear Naughty X Video, Please be advised I am not interested in anything pertaining to large, gay cocks. As delightful as that sounds, I am fairly certain this is not the 1972 classic film that I intended to order. I apologize for any misunderstanding.”

I waited patiently for the company’s response. Days passed, but nothing occurred. Approximately a week later, I received a call from my clearly disturbed roommate, Don. Although he normally has no problem with me using his Ebay account, I had a feeling all that was about to change.

“The answer is no,” he stated, after I picked up the receiver. Confused, I inquired what he was talking about. He then explained that a package containing a dvd had been delivered, via UPS. As he took the parcel from the uniformed man on his doorstep, he could not help but notice that the item addressed to his name had been wrapped in paper that read, “Don’t you want this huge dick in your mouth?” accompanied by printed photographs of feminine, shirtless fellows. Very discreet.

“So, the answer is no.” he repeated, and then exploded into a profanity filled rage, that I must admit, I probably deserved.

Several months have passed, and the situation has only gotten worse. To date, we have received countless gay porn catalogues, newsletters, and invitations to pride parades. I have long since gotten my own account on Ebay, and Don has been kind enough to set parental blocks on the computer. The Mailman tends to look at us with disdain, and the neighbor that accidentally receives our mail, never seems to say “hello”, anymore. My adoration for Ebay may never cease, but my desire to order porn online has. I know, deep in my heart, I have grown because of this. Maybe not the “rock hard twelve inches” Naughty X Video promised me, but I have grown all the same.

Aug. 8th, 2005