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Star Wars-o-rama

A highly entertaining gathering of pathetic fans

Allow me to begin by simply stating: I do not like Star Wars. Never have. Never will. Hell, I’ve never even seen an entire Star Wars film, prior to viewing Revenge of the Sith. And it’s more than likely to say, I shall never watch one, again.

When the option of going to the latest Star Wars premier was first presented to me, I was almost offended. “Me? Go out of my way to purchase advanced tickets to a movie I don’t give a fuck about, and at MIDNIGHT, no less? Pshaw!” It was then, several Defining Moment Staff members calmly explained to me that the premier was sure to attract some fans of an extreme nature…fans so devoted to the film they would possibly be dressed as their favorite characters! Needless to say, I was sold. Who was I to turn my nose up to a night of watching freaks parade around in costumes made by their mothers or purchased on Ebay?

And, freaks they surely were. Upon arriving at the already mobbed theater a full TWO HOURS before the film was to begin, I noticed that the majority of the other movie goers were proudly attired in a variety of different robes, masks, and the likes. I glanced over at fellow staff member, Jonny O, and could see the disappointment clearly displayed on his face. The other patrons’ outfits put his homemade Yoda costume to shame.

“I only dressed like this to blend in with these losers, anyway,” he grumbled, but the tear that streaked down his green face proved quite the opposite.

One member of my entourage, who I will refer to only as Rob, was already on the prowl. He had spotted a fan dressed as Princess Leia, and smoothly winked in her direction.

“Time to find out why they call her Princess lay-a, if you know what I mean,” he said, nudging me in the ribs.

“Dude, that’s a guy.” I informed him, to which he only responded,

“Yo, don’t player hate.” As Rob wandered off to hit on another man, I took this opportunity to take in the scenery. It was a glorious sight. The crowd was filled with grown men, dressed as Obi Wans, Hans Solos, Darth Mauls, and Luke Skywalkers. Each and every one had a certain pastiness in their faces, proving that this was their one night to leave the dark shadows of their parent’s basements, and really shine.

It was like being at the circus, only better. A twisted sideshow starring the members of society you could only come in contact with at comic book conventions or deep within a chat room. Attempting to go unnoticed, I slyly snapped a few pictures with my camera, but I knew these shots could never do this event the justice it so rightfully deserved. It was time to approach these fans, and allow them to have their fifteen minutes of well-earned fame.

“Excuse me, gentlemen, may I take your picture?” I inquired of two unshaven fellows, sporting matching brown bathrobes.

“Only if we can take yours!” they responded, unable to contain their excitement. It was obvious they needed some evidence of the fact that someone of the female persuasion had actually spoken to them, but I was willing to meet their demands. I agreed, all the while wondering how many lonely nights they would spend with that very photo. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of cheering directly behind me. To my surprise and delight, I witnessed two rather heavy men in a savage light saber battle. As their glowing, plastic swords clacked together, I found myself joining in with the cheers, and instantly rooting for the one in the stained “X Files” t-shirt. Their brutal war against one another came to an abrupt end, however, when his “shop teacher style” glasses were violently knocked to the ground. It was time to move on.

I then spotted a darling little boy wearing a tiny “Star Wars” shirt, and furry Ewok hat. “How precious!” I murmured, waving him towards me. I squatted down before him, and informed him, in a degrading baby-talk fashion, that he was “the cutest wittle thing I’ve ever seen”, before realizing he had a five o’ clock shadow and was smoking a cigar. How was I to know there would be midgets here? He made it clear that he did not accept my apology, by offering a string of profanity far too graphic to even mention. Unfazed, I once again scoped out the scene long enough to come across a morbidly obese Darth Vader, who I hurriedly ran over to, eager to find out what his story was. He confided in me that he had been a fan since the very beginning, before stating, “I haven’t left my house in seven years. This is the best night of my life.”

Thoroughly depressed, I took it upon myself to go in search for the crew who had accompanied me. I scanned the crowd, and spotted Jonny O severely beating a random teenager in a far better Yoda outfit. Several others were heckling a group of children in Jawa costumes. One Defining Moment staff member who asked to remain anonymous appeared to be violently vomiting on a small lad dressed as R2D2, apparently mistaking him for a trash receptacle. Worst of all, was my dear friend, Rob. Despite my warning, he had begun chatting with the one person he had been drawn to from the second he arrived…. the guy dressed as Princess Leia. They were locked in a lover’s embrace, as Rob gently stroked “her” sideburns. Never one to miss a photo op, I snapped my final picture of the evening. To this day, he refuses to admit to anything that may have occurred when he left with Leia, after the film. In fact, he denies even being at the Star Wars premier that night, but the haunted, empty stare he now possesses tells an entirely different tale.

I can honestly say that attending this strange event has somewhat changed my mind about Star Wars. I never thought I would be able to enjoy something so out of my own element, but I have been proven wrong. Star Wars fans are people too…people you can laugh with, people you can laugh at, and in the case of that infamous Princess Leia, people that can rape your friends.

And, isn’t that what life’s all about?

Thoughts and Impressions...
Outpatient 8

Overall I place this movie firmly and equally next to Empire. I could say that the awesome space and light saber fighting was the reason. I could tell you that the tying together of all 6 movies made me giddy. I could also try and claim that the effects gave me a stiffy. As much as all of those statements are true, there is truly only one reason I fucking loved this movie. The bad guys win. I would so be in the Darkside of the force without hesitation, it's scary. I love the Empire and the thought of ruling a galaxy as father and son with a cybernetic fist! Bring on the stormtroopers. Give me Star Destroyers, Death Stars and Advanced Tie Fighters. Let me trample the opposition under the massive foot of an AT-AT only to spew forth snowtroopers behind their lines. Allow me to steep my soul in the powers of the Darkside and force choke all of my incompetent constituents.

There are some things that stood out though. Here is a short list…

Ties the story of Ep. I & II to Ep. IV – VI.
Fantastic light saber fighting
CHEWBACCA!!! (What a wookie)
Violent as hell
Cool new ships
Awesome starship and space fighter battles
15 seconds of Jar-Jar
Origin of Palpitine
More of Yoda laying down the law!
Mace Windu's true level of power shown
Not half bad acting
General Grevious
That one little bad-ass Jedi Kid
The Empire is created
The Bad Guys win

The last minute explanation of how Jedi can commune from the grave
The Frankensteinesque birth of Vader
15 seconds of Jar-Jar
Not half-good acting
The offhanded and seemingly thrown in way they wipe C3PO's brain
The Tarzan yell in the Wookie battle scene
Not enough Wookie fighting
Star Wars is over…

Why Yoda fucking rules...
Jonny O

As much as I love the original Star Wars trilogy, the next generation of Star Wars movies still disappoint me. I don’t give a fuck about CGI created worlds and the political machinations behind the rise of the empire. Obi Wan is a fucking pussy and Annakin is a punk until he really starts turning into Darth Vader. What I’m in that theater to see is a little green guy, we all call Yoda.

Yoda fucking kicks ass. I don’t really like the new version of him, he’s too much computer graphic and not enough puppet. Now, I’m old as shit, and I remember seeing Empire Strikes Back in the movie theater. I remember vividly the introduction of Yoda. Luke is looking for him and finds this little shithead in the middle of a swamp. You don’t know what the hell this thing is, you just know it’s funny as shit. That’s what was so great about the old Yoda, he was this little asshole that got off on being difficult… and he was a puppet.

The other day I was sitting around thinking and trying to come up with cool death match scenarios with Yoda. No one can take him. Alright, right off the bat, you have Chucky. He sucks!! Yoda could kill him with just his mind in about 4 seconds flat. OK, how about the Leprechaun? He’s got some magical powers and shit. He’s not afraid to use them either. Nope. The Leprechaun doesn’t have the focus of Yoda. He’s too busy cackling and laughing over the carnage he’s just committed and obsessing over gold. Yoda would tear him in two. …but I digress.

Do you think Yoda smokes weed? I can almost fucking guarantee it! I was so high when I saw Star Wars III, I could’ve sworn Yoda was sitting right there next to me. Could you imagine hanging out and getting high with Yoda? It would be fucking awesome. I bet he’s funny as hell. You know he parties hard. He could do like Jedi mind tricks on people and levitate seats out from under people. His practical jokes would be the tops. Man, I bet he’s a goddamn riot!


Well, that’s about all I have to say about our favorite little, green, pervert Yoda.

Obi Wan. He Ain't No Fag.
Editorial Rebuttal

Unfortunately my article on this subject does come in a few weeks
behind the rest of my staff members and I must apologize, but I am here to take issue with the fact that Jonny O has called Obi Wan Kenobi a pussy. Let's think about that statement for a second. Where the fuck does that come from? I guess I need to give my esteemed colleague a small history lesson. From episode 1 thru 6, although the new Star Wars are not as good as the old. So here it goes:

Episode 1: Obi Wan is still in training to Qui- Gon Jinn the Jedi master played by Liam Neeson. You know I think I would agree with Mr. O except for the minor detail that Obi Wan puts Darth Maul, Mr. Badass himself out of commission. Not without a little help but he does take care of business.

Episode 2: Here Obi Wan is now teaching young Skywalker the ways of the Force. Now granted he does not do any major ass kicking in this one and he gets captured by Count Dukku, he does come out no worse for wear. Which is more than I can say for Annakin who "needs a hand" at the end of this one. Just so people don't think I hate Yoda his fight scene was the only redemption for this movie. That and more of Big Daddy Kenobi.

Episode 3: Now here is where it really becomes obvious that Obi Wan is no fag. In the beginning I know he gets knocked around a bit and Annakin helps him out but we all know who gets the better end of that deal, Obi Wan. Correct me if I am mistaken or is it Obi Wan or Annakin with no legs and burnt to a crisp by the end of this movie. Any comment Mr. O?

Episode 4: We should all know what happens here. That's right pussy Obi Wan only survives in the desert on one of the most dangerous planets in the universe for the next 20 or so years, finds Luke and has to teach another Skywalker the ways of the force, and praying this one turns out a little less evil than the last. His tenor is cut short for the simple fact that he has to defeat Darth Vader/Annakin once again and begins the chain of events that bring down the empire.

Episode 5: What else do we need to say about Empire Strikes Back except the fact that it kicks ass, Obi Wan is now so strong with the force he guides Luke in spirit to Yoda.

Episode 6: Return of the Jedi. Obi Wan's role in this one is small yet significant. He is more positive reinforcement but a big part of housin' the Empire once again.

As far as the Episode 3 goes the best one of the new movies although it was nothing to get excited about. Annakin becoming Vader is too quick but the scene when he goes to kill what is left of the Trade Federation and that Viceroy guy is fucking awesome. Also to agree with Mr. O, Yoda's fight scenes are always entertaining, and I would love to get high with the little green motherfucker.

June 30, 2005