WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
A highly entertaining gathering of
me to begin by simply stating: I do not like Star
Wars. Never have. Never will. Hell, I’ve never
even seen an entire Star Wars film, prior to viewing
Revenge of the Sith. And it’s more than likely
to say, I shall never watch one, again.
When the option of going to the latest Star Wars
premier was first presented to me, I was almost
offended. “Me? Go out of my way to purchase
advanced tickets to a movie I don’t give a
fuck about, and at MIDNIGHT, no less? Pshaw!”
It was then, several Defining Moment Staff members
calmly explained to me that the premier was sure
to attract some fans of an extreme nature…fans
so devoted to the film they would possibly be dressed
as their favorite characters! Needless to say, I
was sold. Who was I to turn my nose up to a night
of watching freaks parade around in costumes made
by their mothers or purchased on Ebay?
And, freaks they surely were. Upon arriving at the
already mobbed theater a full TWO HOURS before the
film was to begin, I noticed that the majority of
the other movie goers were proudly attired in a
variety of different robes, masks, and the likes.
I glanced over at fellow staff member, Jonny O,
and could see the disappointment clearly displayed
on his face. The other patrons’ outfits put
his homemade Yoda costume to shame.
“I only dressed like this to blend in with
these losers, anyway,” he grumbled, but the
tear that streaked down his green face proved quite
of my entourage, who I will refer to only as Rob,
was already on the prowl. He had spotted a fan dressed
as Princess Leia, and smoothly winked in her direction.
“Time to find out why they call her Princess
lay-a, if you know what I mean,” he said,
nudging me in the ribs.
“Dude, that’s a guy.” I informed
him, to which he only responded,
“Yo, don’t player hate.” As Rob
wandered off to hit on another man, I took this
opportunity to take in the scenery. It was a glorious
sight. The crowd was filled with grown men, dressed
as Obi Wans, Hans Solos, Darth Mauls, and Luke Skywalkers.
Each and every one had a certain pastiness in their
faces, proving that this was their one night to
leave the dark shadows of their parent’s basements,
and really shine.
It was like
being at the circus, only better. A twisted sideshow
starring the members of society you could only come
in contact with at comic book conventions or deep
within a chat room. Attempting to go unnoticed,
I slyly snapped a few pictures with my camera, but
I knew these shots could never do this event the
justice it so rightfully deserved. It was time to
approach these fans, and allow them to have their
fifteen minutes of well-earned fame.
“Excuse me, gentlemen, may I take your picture?”
I inquired of two unshaven fellows, sporting matching
if we can take yours!” they responded, unable
to contain their excitement. It was obvious they
needed some evidence of the fact that someone of
the female persuasion had actually spoken to them,
but I was willing to meet their demands. I agreed,
all the while wondering how many lonely nights they
would spend with that very photo. My thoughts were
suddenly interrupted by the sound of cheering directly
behind me. To my surprise and delight, I witnessed
two rather heavy men in a savage light saber battle.
As their glowing, plastic swords clacked together,
I found myself joining in with the cheers, and instantly
rooting for the one in the stained “X Files”
t-shirt. Their brutal war against one another came
to an abrupt end, however, when his “shop
teacher style” glasses were violently knocked
to the ground. It was time to move on.
I then spotted a darling little boy wearing a tiny
“Star Wars” shirt, and furry Ewok hat.
“How precious!” I murmured, waving him
towards me. I squatted down before him, and informed
him, in a degrading baby-talk fashion, that he was
“the cutest wittle thing I’ve ever seen”,
before realizing he had a five o’ clock shadow
and was smoking a cigar. How was I to know there
would be midgets here? He made it clear that he
did not accept my apology, by offering a string
of profanity far too graphic to even mention. Unfazed,
I once again scoped out the scene long enough to
come across a morbidly obese Darth Vader, who I
hurriedly ran over to, eager to find out what his
story was. He confided in me that he had been a
fan since the very beginning, before stating, “I
haven’t left my house in seven years. This
is the best night of my life.”
depressed, I took it upon myself to go in search
for the crew who had accompanied me. I scanned the
crowd, and spotted Jonny O severely beating a random
teenager in a far better Yoda outfit. Several others
were heckling a group of children in Jawa costumes.
One Defining Moment staff member who asked to remain
anonymous appeared to be violently vomiting on a
small lad dressed as R2D2, apparently mistaking
him for a trash receptacle. Worst of all, was my
dear friend, Rob. Despite my warning, he had begun
chatting with the one person he had been drawn to
from the second he arrived…. the guy dressed
as Princess Leia. They were locked in a lover’s
embrace, as Rob gently stroked “her”
sideburns. Never one to miss a photo op, I snapped
my final picture of the evening. To this day, he
refuses to admit to anything that may have occurred
when he left with Leia, after the film. In fact,
he denies even being at the Star Wars premier that
night, but the haunted, empty stare he now possesses
tells an entirely different tale.
I can honestly
say that attending this strange event has somewhat
changed my mind about Star Wars. I never thought
I would be able to enjoy something so out of my
own element, but I have been proven wrong. Star
Wars fans are people too…people you can laugh
with, people you can laugh at, and in the case of
that infamous Princess Leia, people that can rape
And, isn’t that what life’s all about?
WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
Thoughts and Impressions...
I place this movie firmly and equally next to Empire.
I could say that the awesome space and light saber
fighting was the reason. I could tell you that the
tying together of all 6 movies made me giddy. I could
also try and claim that the effects gave me a stiffy.
As much as all of those statements are true, there
is truly only one reason I fucking loved this movie.
The bad guys win. I would so be in the Darkside of
the force without hesitation, it's scary. I love the
Empire and the thought of ruling a galaxy as father
and son with a cybernetic fist! Bring on the stormtroopers.
Give me Star Destroyers, Death Stars and Advanced
Tie Fighters. Let me trample the opposition under
the massive foot of an AT-AT only to spew forth snowtroopers
behind their lines. Allow me to steep my soul in the
powers of the Darkside and force choke all of my incompetent
There are some things that stood out though. Here
is a short list…
Ties the story of Ep. I & II to Ep. IV –
Fantastic light saber fighting
CHEWBACCA!!! (What a wookie)
Violent as hell
Cool new ships
Awesome starship and space fighter battles
15 seconds of Jar-Jar
Origin of Palpitine
More of Yoda laying down the law!
Mace Windu's true level of power shown
Not half bad acting
That one little bad-ass Jedi Kid
The Empire is created
The Bad Guys win
The last minute explanation of how Jedi can commune
from the grave
The Frankensteinesque birth of Vader
15 seconds of Jar-Jar
Not half-good acting
The offhanded and seemingly thrown in way they wipe
The Tarzan yell in the Wookie battle scene
Not enough Wookie fighting
Star Wars is over…
Yoda fucking rules...
much as I love the original Star Wars trilogy, the
next generation of Star Wars movies still disappoint
me. I don’t give a fuck about CGI created worlds
and the political machinations behind the rise of
the empire. Obi Wan is a fucking pussy and Annakin
is a punk until he really starts turning into Darth
Vader. What I’m in that theater to see is a
little green guy, we all call Yoda.
Yoda fucking kicks ass. I don’t
really like the new version of him, he’s too
much computer graphic and not enough puppet. Now,
I’m old as shit, and I remember seeing Empire
Strikes Back in the movie theater. I remember vividly
the introduction of Yoda. Luke is looking for him
and finds this little shithead in the middle of
a swamp. You don’t know what the hell this
thing is, you just know it’s funny as shit.
That’s what was so great about the old Yoda,
he was this little asshole that got off on being
difficult… and he was a puppet.
other day I was sitting around thinking and trying
to come up with cool death match scenarios with
Yoda. No one can take him. Alright, right off the
bat, you have Chucky. He sucks!! Yoda could kill
him with just his mind in about 4 seconds flat.
OK, how about the Leprechaun? He’s got some
magical powers and shit. He’s not afraid to
use them either. Nope. The Leprechaun doesn’t
have the focus of Yoda. He’s too busy cackling
and laughing over the carnage he’s just committed
and obsessing over gold. Yoda would tear him in
two. …but I digress.
you think Yoda smokes weed? I can almost fucking
guarantee it! I was so high when I saw Star Wars
III, I could’ve sworn Yoda was sitting right
there next to me. Could you imagine hanging out
and getting high with Yoda? It would be fucking
awesome. I bet he’s funny
as hell. You know he parties hard. He could do like
Jedi mind tricks on people and levitate seats out
from under people. His practical jokes would be
the tops. Man, I bet he’s a goddamn riot!
that’s about all I have to say about our favorite
little, green, pervert Yoda.
Wan. He Ain't No Fag.
my article on this subject does come in a few weeks
behind the rest of my staff members and I must apologize,
but I am here
to take issue with the fact that Jonny O has called Obi
Wan Kenobi a
pussy. Let's think about that statement for a second.
Where the fuck
does that come from? I guess I need to give my esteemed
small history lesson. From episode 1 thru 6, although
the new Star Wars
are not as good as the old. So here it goes:
1: Obi Wan is still in training to Qui- Gon Jinn
the Jedi master played by Liam Neeson. You know I think
I would agree with Mr. O except for the minor detail that
Obi Wan puts Darth Maul, Mr. Badass himself out of commission.
Not without a little help but he does take care of business.
2: Here Obi Wan is now teaching young Skywalker
the ways of the Force. Now granted he does not do any
major ass kicking in this one and he gets captured by
Count Dukku, he does come out no worse for wear. Which
is more than I can say for Annakin who "needs a hand"
at the end of this one. Just so people don't think I hate
Yoda his fight scene was the only redemption for this
movie. That and more of Big Daddy Kenobi.
3: Now here is where it really becomes obvious
that Obi Wan is no fag. In the beginning I know he gets
knocked around a bit and Annakin helps him out but we
all know who gets the better end of that deal, Obi Wan.
Correct me if I am mistaken or is it Obi Wan or Annakin
with no legs and burnt to a crisp by the end of this movie.
Any comment Mr. O?
4: We should all know what happens here. That's
right pussy Obi Wan only survives in the desert on one
of the most dangerous planets in the universe for the
next 20 or so years, finds Luke and has to teach another
Skywalker the ways of the force, and praying this one
turns out a little less evil than the last. His tenor
is cut short for the simple fact that he has to defeat
Darth Vader/Annakin once again and begins the chain of
events that bring down the empire.
5: What else do we need to say about Empire Strikes
Back except the fact that it kicks ass, Obi Wan is now
so strong with the force he guides Luke in spirit to Yoda.
6: Return of the Jedi. Obi Wan's role in this
one is small yet significant. He is more positive reinforcement
but a big part of housin' the Empire once again.
far as the Episode 3 goes the best one of the new movies
it was nothing to get excited about. Annakin becoming
Vader is too
quick but the scene when he goes to kill what is left
of the Trade
Federation and that Viceroy guy is fucking awesome. Also
to agree with
Mr. O, Yoda's fight scenes are always entertaining, and
I would love to
get high with the little green motherfucker.
June 30, 2005