STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH
A highly entertaining gathering of pathetic fans
Jenny

Allow me to begin by simply stating: I do not like Star Wars. Never have. Never will. Hell, I’ve never even seen an entire Star Wars film, prior to viewing Revenge of the Sith. And it’s more than likely to say, I shall never watch one, again.

When the option of going to the latest Star Wars premier was first presented to me, I was almost offended. “Me? Go out of my way to purchase advanced tickets to a movie I don’t give a fuck about, and at MIDNIGHT, no less? Pshaw!” It was then, several Defining Moment Staff members calmly explained to me that the premier was sure to attract some fans of an extreme nature…fans so devoted to the film they would possibly be dressed as their favorite characters! Needless to say, I was sold. Who was I to turn my nose up to a night of watching freaks parade around in costumes made by their mothers or purchased on Ebay?

And, freaks they surely were. Upon arriving at the already mobbed theater a full TWO HOURS before the film was to begin, I noticed that the majority of the other movie goers were proudly attired in a variety of different robes, masks, and the likes. I glanced over at fellow staff member, Jonny O, and could see the disappointment clearly displayed on his face. The other patrons’ outfits put his homemade Yoda costume to shame.

“I only dressed like this to blend in with these losers, anyway,” he grumbled, but the tear that streaked down his green face proved quite the opposite.

One member of my entourage, who I will refer to only as Rob, was already on the prowl. He had spotted a fan dressed as Princess Leia, and smoothly winked in her direction.

“Time to find out why they call her Princess lay-a, if you know what I mean,” he said, nudging me in the ribs.

“Dude, that’s a guy.” I informed him, to which he only responded,

“Yo, don’t player hate.” As Rob wandered off to hit on another man, I took this opportunity to take in the scenery. It was a glorious sight. The crowd was filled with grown men, dressed as Obi Wans, Hans Solos, Darth Mauls, and Luke Skywalkers. Each and every one had a certain pastiness in their faces, proving that this was their one night to leave the dark shadows of their parent’s basements, and really shine.

It was like being at the circus, only better. A twisted sideshow starring the members of society you could only come in contact with at comic book conventions or deep within a chat room. Attempting to go unnoticed, I slyly snapped a few pictures with my camera, but I knew these shots could never do this event the justice it so rightfully deserved. It was time to approach these fans, and allow them to have their fifteen minutes of well-earned fame.

“Excuse me, gentlemen, may I take your picture?” I inquired of two unshaven fellows, sporting matching brown bathrobes.



“Only if we can take yours!” they responded, unable to contain their excitement. It was obvious they needed some evidence of the fact that someone of the female persuasion had actually spoken to them, but I was willing to meet their demands. I agreed, all the while wondering how many lonely nights they would spend with that very photo. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of cheering directly behind me. To my surprise and delight, I witnessed two rather heavy men in a savage light saber battle. As their glowing, plastic swords clacked together, I found myself joining in with the cheers, and instantly rooting for the one in the stained “X Files” t-shirt. Their brutal war against one another came to an abrupt end, however, when his “shop teacher style” glasses were violently knocked to the ground. It was time to move on.

I then spotted a darling little boy wearing a tiny “Star Wars” shirt, and furry Ewok hat. “How precious!” I murmured, waving him towards me. I squatted down before him, and informed him, in a degrading baby-talk fashion, that he was “the cutest wittle thing I’ve ever seen”, before realizing he had a five o’ clock shadow and was smoking a cigar. How was I to know there would be midgets here? He made it clear that he did not accept my apology, by offering a string of profanity far too graphic to even mention. Unfazed, I once again scoped out the scene long enough to come across a morbidly obese Darth Vader, who I hurriedly ran over to, eager to find out what his story was. He confided in me that he had been a fan since the very beginning, before stating, “I haven’t left my house in seven years. This is the best night of my life.”

Thoroughly depressed, I took it upon myself to go in search for the crew who had accompanied me. I scanned the crowd, and spotted Jonny O severely beating a random teenager in a far better Yoda outfit. Several others were heckling a group of children in Jawa costumes. One Defining Moment staff member who asked to remain anonymous appeared to be violently vomiting on a small lad dressed as R2D2, apparently mistaking him for a trash receptacle. Worst of all, was my dear friend, Rob. Despite my warning, he had begun chatting with the one person he had been drawn to from the second he arrived…. the guy dressed as Princess Leia. They were locked in a lover’s embrace, as Rob gently stroked “her” sideburns. Never one to miss a photo op, I snapped my final picture of the evening. To this day, he refuses to admit to anything that may have occurred when he left with Leia, after the film. In fact, he denies even being at the Star Wars premier that night, but the haunted, empty stare he now possesses tells an entirely different tale.

I can honestly say that attending this strange event has somewhat changed my mind about Star Wars. I never thought I would be able to enjoy something so out of my own element, but I have been proven wrong. Star Wars fans are people too…people you can laugh with, people you can laugh at, and in the case of that infamous Princess Leia, people that can rape your friends.

And, isn’t that what life’s all about?

Overall I place this movie firmly and equally next to Empire. I could say that the awesome space and light saber fighting was the reason. I could tell you that the tying together of all 6 movies made me giddy. I could also try and claim that the effects gave me a stiffy. As much as all of those statements are true, there is truly only one reason I fucking loved this movie. The bad guys win. I would so be in the Darkside of the force without hesitation, it's scary. I love the Empire and the thought of ruling a galaxy as father and son with a cybernetic fist! Bring on the stormtroopers. Give me Star Destroyers, Death Stars and Advanced Tie Fighters. Let me trample the opposition under the massive foot of an AT-AT only to spew forth snowtroopers behind their lines. Allow me to steep my soul in the powers of the Darkside and force choke all of my incompetent constituents.


There are some things that stood out though. Here is a short list…

CONS:
The last minute explanation of how Jedi can commune from the grave
The Frankensteinesque birth of Vader
15 seconds of Jar-Jar
Not half-good acting
The offhanded and seemingly thrown in way they wipe C3PO's brain
The Tarzan yell in the Wookie battle scene
Not enough Wookie fighting
Star Wars is over…

As much as I love the original Star Wars trilogy, the next generation of Star Wars movies still disappoint me. I don’t give a fuck about CGI created worlds and the political machinations behind the rise of the empire. Obi Wan is a fucking pussy and Annakin is a punk until he really starts turning into Darth Vader. What I’m in that theater to see is a little green guy, we all call Yoda.

Well, that’s about all I have to say about our favorite little, green, pervert Yoda.