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Bad News Bears

Bad News Bears

The only thing I could think about while waiting for this movie to start was Billy Bob Thornton fucking a dog when he was seventeen. As the movie began, I wondered if that dog was better than Angelina Jolie or Halle Berry.

Bad News Bears is a bad film. The kids tried way too hard and in this day and age the word "Damn" coming from a kids mouth seems normal. In the original movie ... those kids were bastards. In this movie ... they are trying to be bastards. It just doesn't work. So, instead of tearing this film to shit as I do with shit ... I have opted to give each little ass hat a dose of shit.

So, stand back. Cause the shit doth flingith.

The Little Crippled Kid: I could give less than a rats ass that this kid can't walk. Fuck him. He whines a bit too much about it and deserves to have his ass beat. (Note: If you hit him, be sure it is above the waist, because chances are he won't feel it if you hit him below the waist.)

The Motorcycle Kid: This kid looks like he is on Xanax. He rides a cycle like a retard. About the only thing this kid can do is hit the ball. Big fucking deal. Learn to fucking act, ass clown, before I take a baseball bat and ram it down your fucking thoat.

The Chick Pitcher: Fucking dunce bitch needs to lose weight from her fat lip. This chick ... why they hired this bitch to play this part is beyond me. If you read this, and you saw the film, then you know what the fuck I am talking about. Maybe I am harsh, but someone should really punch her in her upper lip so it matches the bloat of her lower lip.

The Blonde Haired Little Slugger Kid: Fuck him. Although, it would be fun to scalp him and watch him bleed. Yea, let's see how bad he is with no skin on his skull. Little fucking panzy ass.

Billy Bob: I can't say anything bad about this dog fucker. On screen he shines.

Greg Kinnear: Another fine performance by this man. Fuck him, anyway. He ain't never admitted to fucking a dog.

If you haven't seen this film, don't. Basically, this film would have been better if all the kids in it had been aborted. Although I do give it props for giving me fodder to write this shit.


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