Big Brother
 Wine and Spirits
 Keeping it Reel
 White Noise
 Fist Deep
 Bar Crawl

The Ring Two

Allow me to begin by first stating that the true horror of this movie is the shame I feel for renting it. For that is four dollars that will never be returned.

Apparently, Ehren Kruger (writer of the Ring one & two), was having one of those weekends where you just sit around the house watching movies all day. He started with “Poltergeist”, followed by “Requiem for a Dream”, “the Exorcist”, “the Sixth Sense”, and ended his marathon with “Jumanji”. He may have sat for a moment, contemplating how he could possibly combine all of these films into one completely unnecessary sequel, and then he proceeded to write the screenplay for the Ring 2 .

The Ring 2 picks up right where the first one left off. Actress Naomi Watts (star of such cinematic masterpieces such as Children of the Corn IV: the Gathering, and Babe: Pig in the City) is still trying desperately to learn how to act, while actor David Dorfman (in the role as her somewhat possessed son, Aiden) is working hard at being overly creepy. This movie is practically a parody of itself; the script is poorly written, and the commercial-worthy acting is unintentionally humorous.
Fortunately, if you’re looking for a walk down memory lane, this is the film to watch. Do you miss the “I see dead people” kid (Sixth Sense)? Here, you can find a mildly annoying version of him! Or, perhaps you sometimes wonder whatever happened to that angry refrigerator, seemingly having a mind of it’s own (Requiem for a Dream)? Why, it ended up in the Ring 2! Carol Anne’s static filled television set (Poltergeist) makes a cameo appearance, while the demonic possession made popular in the Exorcist is shamelessly copied, as well! While the argument can be made that all horror flicks tend to be based on inspiration from past classics, I almost forgot to mention the most entertaining rip-off of them all. Remember the unrealistic, computer-generated herds of animals in Jumanji? I recall that they almost had a cartoon like quality, but were basically inoffensive, due to the fact that the target audience for such a film was something like, age four. However, when you create a herd of CGI deer, and then include said deer into an visually insulting scene (where they are surrounding a car, smashing their bodies through the windshield, in an attempt to murder all passengers), one begins to feel as though the creators of the movie have essentially given up on trying to make a remotely watchable sequel, and only have hopes of capitalizing off of the success of the original.

Sure, there are plenty of the reasons to dislike this film, for instance the abundance of sub-plots that are incomprehensibly ridiculous (a social worker commits suicide with a syringe filled with lethal poison, that is conveniently stored next to a child’s hospital bed; or the fact that none of the medical staff find it odd that young Aiden’s body temperature is running five degrees lower than that of someone suffering hypothermia). But why focus of such mediocre mistakes; when the movie, as a whole, is such an enormous catastrophe?
Unlike the video represented in the Ring 2, viewing this film won’t lead to your death. Unfortunately, after wasting two full hours of your life watching it, you may wish that it did.

August 25th, 2005