Banger Sisters

Goldie Hawn
Susan Sarandon

Are you an old whore? Need reassurance that your pathetic life as a slut is a great way to live? This movie is for you.

My girlfriend rented this movie, and I had the privilege of getting to see a movie I would NEVER in a million years have rented. This movie fucking sucks so bad I can’t even begin to describe it, and it’s not because the dialog or acting is really that bad. It’s the fact that the main characters are SO unlikeable, you want to jump through the screen and donkey punch them.

The movie starts out with Goldie Hawn, an old slut who miraculously hasn’t died of AIDS, losing her job as a bartender for being too old. She’s driving to another state to meet up with her old skank friend, Susan Sarandon, who she hasn’t seen in over 20 years. Apparently, Susan Sarandon has done alright for herself. She’s tricked some rich sucker into marrying her and lied about her entire slutbag past. She lives in the lap of luxury and has two spoiled bitch daughters. Her entire family has no idea what a butt fucking whore she used to be. In some circles, you might say “Well, at least she has a good life and isn’t a total disease ridden prostitute, who’s always out fucking roadies”, but not in this movie. Her lifestyle is considered a fate worse than death and she desperately needs to “loosen up”. That’s where Goldie Hawn comes in to help her remember her glory days as a cum rag for local bands.

There’s a bunch of stupid side plots and other things to waste time in this movie, but they are just filler. There are two key scenes for me.

KEY SCENE #1: Susan Sarandon comes home to find her 17 year old daughter fucking in the pool. She gets pissed at the daughter, but doesn’t even tell the father or discipline her slutty offspring. This is treated as Susan Sarandon being too “uptight”. She needs to loosen up and let her daughter fuck strangers in filthy barroom toilets, so she can have fun!

KEY SCENE #2: This is a fucking weird part. Goldie Hawn and Susan Sarandon go out and dance like retards the entire night and try to relive their glory days, then come home to smoke weed and look at “the cock box”. Now, you may ask “A cock box? Why, I’ve never heard of such a thing!” The “cock box” is these two prostitutes’ pride and joy. It’s a fucking little metal box with hundreds of pictures of the dicks of all the bands they fucked. THEY ARE PROUD THAT THEY ARE WHORES. They write the name of the guy on the back of the Polaroid and pick random ones out and try to guess which guy’s dick it was. Yes, these are the main characters that we are supposed to be sympathetic to. Could you imagine if her kids or her husband had found that fucking “cock box”? She kept pictures of all the dicks she’s fucked in the family garage for 20 fucking years!

After that the husband walks down and finds his wasted wife and her old whorebag friend laughing over pictures of dicks they fucked when they were groupies. He is then promptly portrayed as a soul sucking villain with a stick up his ass. If I came downstairs to that scene, it would be fucking Armageddon. Needless to say, there is some other stupid plot twists and the movie resolves itself for no reason. The husband loves his new tramp of a wife and Goldie Hawn finds some asshole to support her skanky ways for the rest of her life.

I won’t dignify this movie with a rating score.

Jonny O
May 23rd, 2005