Are you an old whore? Need reassurance that your pathetic
life as a slut is a great way to live? This movie is for
girlfriend rented this movie, and I had the privilege
of getting to see a movie I would NEVER in a million years
have rented. This movie fucking sucks so bad I can’t
even begin to describe it, and it’s not because
the dialog or acting is really that bad. It’s the
fact that the main characters are SO unlikeable, you want
to jump through the screen and donkey punch them.
movie starts out with Goldie Hawn, an old slut who miraculously
hasn’t died of AIDS, losing her job as a bartender
for being too old. She’s driving to another state
to meet up with her old skank friend, Susan Sarandon,
who she hasn’t seen in over 20 years. Apparently,
Susan Sarandon has done alright for herself. She’s
tricked some rich sucker into marrying her and lied about
her entire slutbag past. She lives in the lap of luxury
and has two spoiled bitch daughters. Her entire family
has no idea what a butt fucking whore she used to be.
In some circles, you might say “Well, at least she
has a good life and isn’t a total disease ridden
prostitute, who’s always out fucking roadies”,
but not in this movie. Her lifestyle is considered a fate
worse than death and she desperately needs to “loosen
up”. That’s where Goldie Hawn comes in to
help her remember her glory days as a cum rag for local
a bunch of stupid side plots and other things to waste
time in this movie, but they are just filler. There are
two key scenes for me.
SCENE #1: Susan Sarandon comes home to find her 17 year
old daughter fucking in the pool. She gets pissed at the
daughter, but doesn’t even tell the father or discipline
her slutty offspring. This is treated as Susan Sarandon
being too “uptight”. She needs to loosen up
and let her daughter fuck strangers in filthy barroom
toilets, so she can have fun!
SCENE #2: This is a fucking weird part. Goldie Hawn and
Susan Sarandon go out and dance like retards the entire
night and try to relive their glory days, then come home
to smoke weed and look at “the cock box”.
Now, you may ask “A cock box? Why, I’ve never
heard of such a thing!” The “cock box”
is these two prostitutes’ pride and joy. It’s
a fucking little metal box with hundreds of pictures of
the dicks of all the bands they fucked. THEY ARE PROUD
THAT THEY ARE WHORES. They write the name of the guy on
the back of the Polaroid and pick random ones out and
try to guess which guy’s dick it was. Yes, these
are the main characters that we are supposed to be sympathetic
to. Could you imagine if her kids or her husband had found
that fucking “cock box”? She kept pictures
of all the dicks she’s fucked in the family garage
for 20 fucking years!
that the husband walks down and finds his wasted wife
and her old whorebag friend laughing over pictures of
dicks they fucked when they were groupies. He is then
promptly portrayed as a soul sucking villain with a stick
up his ass. If I came downstairs to that scene, it would
be fucking Armageddon. Needless to say, there is some
other stupid plot twists and the movie resolves itself
for no reason. The husband loves his new tramp of a wife
and Goldie Hawn finds some asshole to support her skanky
ways for the rest of her life.
won’t dignify this movie with a rating score.
May 23rd, 2005