Big Brother
 Wine and Spirits
 Keeping it Reel
 White Noise
 Fist Deep
 Bar Crawl

I Love This Place

Many folks prefer the fast-paced lifestyle of living in an overpopulated city. Others feel right at home amongst the dirt roads and easy livin’ of a country town. I, on the other hand, am not ashamed to say, the suburbs are the place to be. There are a number of reasons why I feel this way, but only one stands above and beyond all else. The area I abide in will now live forever in infamy, due to the actions of one amazing man. This man remains nameless to most, but news reporters and journalists have affectionately named him “The Nude Zorro”.

“Nude Zorro” (or N.Z., as I like to refer to him) is precisely what you would imagine him to be. A completely naked guy, dressed fashionably in only a “Zorro” style mask and white high tops, sprinting through town, without a care in the world. Although it is true that N.Z. has been known to scream obscenities and lewd comments at local women (and on occasion, fondle himself as he races by)…. I can’t help but hold a warm spot in my heart for the former frat boy who has made us all smile just a little brighter.

It all began several weeks ago, in a nearby upscale community. As hoards of pretentious, rich bastards sipped their pricey glasses of wine, and nibbled on their tiny hors d’ourves at an exclusive restaurant, the unthinkable happened. Suddenly, and without warning, N.Z. entered the scene, in all of his God given glory, weaving throughout the dining room in a blur of flesh and hair. Needless to say, the patrons were appalled, to say the least. This was clearly the worst tragedy this town had ever been faced with. Officials wasted no time in taking quick action. And, thus began, a series of the most entertaining news reports I have ever witnessed.

“Nude Zorro is still currently on the loose,” a somber anchorwoman stated the following day. “Police are recommending keeping women and children indoors, in fear this naked exhibitionist may strike again.”

And, indeed, he did. N.Z. had not only managed to elude police on the initial evening, but in several other instances, as well. Why, in just one week, he managed to incite madness in a restaurant; cause horror by streaking past two full blocks of small, independently owned shops; and traumatize various women on fourteen separate occasions. Yet, each and each and every time, N.Z. remained the victor. Despite the fact that sightings of our local Superhero became increasingly more frequent, he apparently vanished before any action could be taken.

“This is not a laughing matter,” were the words of one stern law official, “Residents should fear for the safety of their loved ones. This must be put to a stop!”

But attempting to incite fear in the locals did not make the situation any less humorous. Before long, t-shirts, buttons, and stickers had been designed, proudly reading “Home of The Nude Zorro!”. Our town had a sudden meaning, a name on the map. Businesses thrived, families united, and children laughed. N.Z. had single-handedly made the world a better place.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Despite a statewide manhunt, police were unable to come up with any information leading to the arrest of this masked villain. And, although our infamous friend has not made any new appearances as of late, this did not stop authorities from collaborating a full body police sketch of our culprit. The visual image of what this could possibly look like will entertain me for the rest of my life.

In closing, I would simply like to offer my thanks. Here’s to you, Nude Zorro…wherever you are.

July 11th, 2005