folks prefer the fast-paced lifestyle of living in an
overpopulated city. Others feel right at home amongst
the dirt roads and easy livin’ of a country town.
I, on the other hand, am not ashamed to say, the suburbs
are the place to be. There are a number of reasons why
I feel this way, but only one stands above and beyond
all else. The area I abide in will now live forever in
infamy, due to the actions of one amazing man. This man
remains nameless to most, but news reporters and journalists
have affectionately named him “The Nude Zorro”.
“Nude Zorro” (or N.Z., as I like to refer
to him) is precisely what you would imagine him to be.
A completely naked guy, dressed fashionably in only a
“Zorro” style mask and white high tops, sprinting
through town, without a care in the world. Although it
is true that N.Z. has been known to scream obscenities
and lewd comments at local women (and on occasion, fondle
himself as he races by)…. I can’t help but
hold a warm spot in my heart for the former frat boy who
has made us all smile just a little brighter.
It all began several weeks ago, in a nearby upscale community.
As hoards of pretentious, rich bastards sipped their pricey
glasses of wine, and nibbled on their tiny hors d’ourves
at an exclusive restaurant, the unthinkable happened.
Suddenly, and without warning, N.Z. entered the scene,
in all of his God given glory, weaving throughout the
dining room in a blur of flesh and hair. Needless to say,
the patrons were appalled, to say the least. This was
clearly the worst tragedy this town had ever been faced
with. Officials wasted no time in taking quick action.
And, thus began, a series of the most entertaining news
reports I have ever witnessed.
“Nude Zorro is still currently on the loose,”
a somber anchorwoman stated the following day. “Police
are recommending keeping women and children indoors, in
fear this naked exhibitionist may strike again.”
And, indeed, he did. N.Z. had not only managed to elude
police on the initial evening, but in several other instances,
as well. Why, in just one week, he managed to incite madness
in a restaurant; cause horror by streaking past two full
blocks of small, independently owned shops; and traumatize
various women on fourteen separate occasions. Yet, each
and each and every time, N.Z. remained the victor. Despite
the fact that sightings of our local Superhero became
increasingly more frequent, he apparently vanished before
any action could be taken.
“This is not a laughing matter,” were the
words of one stern law official, “Residents should
fear for the safety of their loved ones. This must be
put to a stop!”
But attempting to incite fear in the locals did not make
the situation any less humorous. Before long, t-shirts,
buttons, and stickers had been designed, proudly reading
“Home of The Nude Zorro!”. Our town had a
sudden meaning, a name on the map. Businesses thrived,
families united, and children laughed. N.Z. had single-handedly
made the world a better place.
Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Despite a
statewide manhunt, police were unable to come up with
any information leading to the arrest of this masked villain.
And, although our infamous friend has not made any new
appearances as of late, this did not stop authorities
from collaborating a full body police sketch of our culprit.
The visual image of what this could possibly look like
will entertain me for the rest of my life.
In closing, I would simply like to offer my thanks. Here’s
to you, Nude Zorro…wherever you are.
July 11th, 2005