you interested in uninteresting places or turned on by
seedy people talking about grimy things in dirty places?
Have you ever been drunk enough to hit the floor but too
scared to let anything but your shoes touch it? Well,
I'm into all that stuff and I have been that drunk . So
I choose Lansdale, PA , the Deuce One Fifth to practice
my studies in debauchery.
There are lots of understated and underestimated places
in this country we call a parking lot. I know, I have
lived in many parts of it. But there is something about
The Dale that keeps me coming back. It took me a long
time to figure out why I like being here so much. Was
it the scenery? Nah. The people? Not fucking likely! Besides,
I had already had sex with most of the chicks I wanted
to and I already had all the friends I wanted. So what
was it? What was the defining factor? What kept me coming
back again and again? The Bars.
are a shit load of them in this little hamlet we begrudgingly
call home. And I have devised a route to explore them
all in the most efficient way. So, pack up your bowls,
stock up on coke and fill up your gut, it's gonna be a
yeah, if you have a thing against drugs or drunk driving,
don't read this ya pussy.
Also, to fully complete this tour, you need memberships
to several different social clubs. I will mark all such
locations with a SC... for social club. All bars marked
with an “*” are located slightly out of Lansdale
and should be reserved for only those who can really hold
their booze and know how to drive whilst all fucked up.
must have a Beer, a Shot and a Smoke (if you smoke) to
count a bar a “visited”.
These bars have been omitted from the tour because they
are just too boring and or lame: Sumney West, Astor, North
Penn Social Club, Casey's, Tuesday's, Friday's, Chili's,
Bull n' Barrel, Applebee’s, Houlahan's, Outback,
The Hatfield Legion,
Time, West Point*: This place is easy for me,
it's about 2 blocks from my house. The food is better
than average and there are two bars in this joint. Prices
are slightly higher than average.
Mike's, North Wales*: Ah, Mike's a true dive.
However they have just done a major renovation in that
place and it looks much better. But it is still full of
dirt bags. If you are sly enough you can probably score
some blow in this joint without even knowing anyone. It
also has a bathroom well suited to keying up or doing
3.Tex-Mex, North Wales*: I hate this
place. It's always crowded. The bartenders won't serve
ya unless you’re a hot chick and it is expensive
as hell! However, the food is great and they make the
best margarita in the county. Also, if you are into hooking-up
or getting digits, this is the place. There is always
scattered ass up in there.
Lansdale (This denotes the start of the regular
tour): Rick's another complete shit hole and one of my
favorites. Mike, the owner likes hot chicks, so that is
the only kind of bartender you will ever see in there.
The prices are average and the food is also average. Don't
try getting high or scoring in this place, Mike has hidden
House, Lansdale: This is a bar that lots of volunteer
firemen hang out at, therefore I hate this place. The
food sucks, but the beer is cheep. The crowd is almost
entirely Lansdale Losers but that means you can probably
get drugs or pick up a skank. Nice pool tables. Bathrooms
are good to key up in.
Legion, Lansdale, SC: The first social club on
the list. And it is only there because it is a block away
from the Junction House. The bar top in this place is
FUCKING HUGE and worth seeing. And as with all SC's the
beer prices can not be beat. Suck down a pint and check
out all the neat military stuff inside. This is a good
place to key up in.
Lansdale *: I hardly ever go here. The food is
good and the booze is average priced, but it is a small
joint filled with regulars. I find it hard to get relaxed
in this place.
(formerly the Colmar Inn), Colmar*: This place
has gone under major renovation as well. And even the
crowd has cleaned up a little. The food is good, but expensive
and the hooch is a bit pricey. Nice pool table and a good
place to do a screamer in the bathroom.
Lounge, Hatfield*: I list this joint only because
it sucks so much. The 1st of 2 strip joints on the tour.
Suzie's is where strippers go to die. If you can stomach
the C section scars and convince your friends to go there,
then enjoy the cheep ass beer.
Main Hotel, Hatfield*: Another place I can't
stand. Suck food, crowd, and pool. The only thing this
place has going for it is beer prices... super cheap.
With some wit, you can probably score a bag of what ever
you want in here.
11.The 5th Street Pub, Lansdale: My favorite
place on the tour. I love the 5 th. I can get drunk in
there for a fair price. I can score drugs if I want. Ron,
the owner, loves me. And nobody fucks with me. Be careful
tho! Do not get sucked into the 5 Hole. You have many
other bars to hit tonight. Bathroom is good for keying
V.S.B. “Little Vets”,SC, Lansdale:
Just down the street from the 5th is the “Little
Vets”. Totally boring unless you are with Me and
my friends. However, on Friday nights they have steak
night. $10 for a BIG friggn' steak, potato, salad, and
roll. And the beer is cheap as hell.
The Son of Italy, SC, Lansdale: Don't even try
to get in here if you aren't a member. That’s all
I have to say.
14. The German-American Club, SC, Lansdale:
Behind where the Walnut Tavern used to be lies the GAC.
Total snore fest, but going in to have a cheep beer and
listen to the old people jabber in German and PA Dutch
is kind of a trip. If you can speak either German or Dutch
then you can make some real neat old people friends in
Lansdale: Fuck the owners of this place. I only
go there when forced to. Food is OK. Beer prices are average.
But fuck that place.
Cannoneer's Club, Lansdale, SC: The only social
club in Lansdale that you probably don't need a membership
to. If you can get Kemper to open the door you can more
than likely talk him into letting you in. I always can
anyway. Cheep beer, shitty food, and an interesting crowd.
The crowd is youngish for a SC.
Eagle's Club, Lansdale, SC: Don't try unless
ya got a membership or are with someone who does. Cheap
beer and some cool people. They also have the longest
long board in Lansdale if you like throwing quaits. You
can also score in here and the bathrooms are good for
Vets, Lansdale, SC: If you are not a member just
Lansdale (This denoted the end of the regular
tour):The best food in the area! The booze prices are
steep but the shots come in rocks glasses and usually
equal a double or triple! Also, don't bother going in
there unless it's Monday or Tuesday night. Friday and
Saturday nights are good as well. These are the nights
that have the good bartenders.
Blue Dog, Lansdale*: Another strapper bar. OK
food. Great beer selection though! Nice pool tables. There
tends to be a healthy population of cute chicks.
Salford*: Jimmy, the old bartender at the 5th,
bought this place a couple a of years back. He really
cleaned the place up and made it kind of nice. The food
is OK and the prices are average. Nice pool tables and
plenty of seating. Usually a sausage fest.
Salford Pub, Salford*: A total strapper bar.
The food is above average tho, but the prices are kind
of steep. A good place to stop a do a line or two before
the end of the tour at the next stop.
23.Cloud Nine, Franconia *: What can
I say about the Cloud that you already don't know. By
this time you are probably all fucked up so be careful,
cops hound this joint. Finish off what night there is
left and head out to a party...
concludes our drunken downward spiral into the slimy parts
of our fair community. Wipe off your nose, and squirt
some visine in your eye. The next tour is on it’s
Also look for my in depth reviews of other bars in the
May 12th, 2005