Are you interested in uninteresting places or turned on by seedy people talking about grimy things in dirty places? Have you ever been drunk enough to hit the floor but too scared to let anything but your shoes touch it? Well, I'm into all that stuff and I have been that drunk . So I choose Lansdale, PA , the Deuce One Fifth to practice my studies in debauchery.

There are lots of understated and underestimated places in this country we call a parking lot. I know, I have lived in many parts of it. But there is something about The Dale that keeps me coming back. It took me a long time to figure out why I like being here so much. Was it the scenery? Nah. The people? Not fucking likely! Besides, I had already had sex with most of the chicks I wanted to and I already had all the friends I wanted. So what was it? What was the defining factor? What kept me coming back again and again? The Bars.

There are a shit load of them in this little hamlet we begrudgingly call home. And I have devised a route to explore them all in the most efficient way. So, pack up your bowls, stock up on coke and fill up your gut, it's gonna be a long night.

Oh yeah, if you have a thing against drugs or drunk driving, don't read this ya pussy.

Also, to fully complete this tour, you need memberships to several different social clubs. I will mark all such locations with a SC... for social club. All bars marked with an “*” are located slightly out of Lansdale and should be reserved for only those who can really hold their booze and know how to drive whilst all fucked up.

You must have a Beer, a Shot and a Smoke (if you smoke) to count a bar a “visited”.

These bars have been omitted from the tour because they are just too boring and or lame: Sumney West, Astor, North Penn Social Club, Casey's, Tuesday's, Friday's, Chili's, Bull n' Barrel, Applebee’s, Houlahan's, Outback, The Hatfield Legion,

1.Pizza Time, West Point*: This place is easy for me, it's about 2 blocks from my house. The food is better than average and there are two bars in this joint. Prices are slightly higher than average.

2. Mike's, North Wales*: Ah, Mike's a true dive. However they have just done a major renovation in that place and it looks much better. But it is still full of dirt bags. If you are sly enough you can probably score some blow in this joint without even knowing anyone. It also has a bathroom well suited to keying up or doing a bump.

3.Tex-Mex, North Wales*: I hate this place. It's always crowded. The bartenders won't serve ya unless you’re a hot chick and it is expensive as hell! However, the food is great and they make the best margarita in the county. Also, if you are into hooking-up or getting digits, this is the place. There is always scattered ass up in there.

4.Riccardi's, Lansdale (This denotes the start of the regular tour): Rick's another complete shit hole and one of my favorites. Mike, the owner likes hot chicks, so that is the only kind of bartender you will ever see in there. The prices are average and the food is also average. Don't try getting high or scoring in this place, Mike has hidden cameras everywhere.

5.Junction House, Lansdale: This is a bar that lots of volunteer firemen hang out at, therefore I hate this place. The food sucks, but the beer is cheep. The crowd is almost entirely Lansdale Losers but that means you can probably get drugs or pick up a skank. Nice pool tables. Bathrooms are good to key up in.

6.The Legion, Lansdale, SC: The first social club on the list. And it is only there because it is a block away from the Junction House. The bar top in this place is FUCKING HUGE and worth seeing. And as with all SC's the beer prices can not be beat. Suck down a pint and check out all the neat military stuff inside. This is a good place to key up in.

7.Morrone's, Lansdale *: I hardly ever go here. The food is good and the booze is average priced, but it is a small joint filled with regulars. I find it hard to get relaxed in this place.

8.Traxx (formerly the Colmar Inn), Colmar*: This place has gone under major renovation as well. And even the crowd has cleaned up a little. The food is good, but expensive and the hooch is a bit pricey. Nice pool table and a good place to do a screamer in the bathroom.

9.Suzie's Lounge, Hatfield*: I list this joint only because it sucks so much. The 1st of 2 strip joints on the tour. Suzie's is where strippers go to die. If you can stomach the C section scars and convince your friends to go there, then enjoy the cheep ass beer.

10.The Main Hotel, Hatfield*: Another place I can't stand. Suck food, crowd, and pool. The only thing this place has going for it is beer prices... super cheap. With some wit, you can probably score a bag of what ever you want in here.

11.The 5th Street Pub, Lansdale: My favorite place on the tour. I love the 5 th. I can get drunk in there for a fair price. I can score drugs if I want. Ron, the owner, loves me. And nobody fucks with me. Be careful tho! Do not get sucked into the 5 Hole. You have many other bars to hit tonight. Bathroom is good for keying up.

12.The V.S.B. “Little Vets”,SC, Lansdale: Just down the street from the 5th is the “Little Vets”. Totally boring unless you are with Me and my friends. However, on Friday nights they have steak night. $10 for a BIG friggn' steak, potato, salad, and roll. And the beer is cheap as hell.

13. The Son of Italy, SC, Lansdale: Don't even try to get in here if you aren't a member. That’s all I have to say.

14. The German-American Club, SC, Lansdale: Behind where the Walnut Tavern used to be lies the GAC. Total snore fest, but going in to have a cheep beer and listen to the old people jabber in German and PA Dutch is kind of a trip. If you can speak either German or Dutch then you can make some real neat old people friends in there.

15.Molitier's, Lansdale: Fuck the owners of this place. I only go there when forced to. Food is OK. Beer prices are average. But fuck that place.

16.The Cannoneer's Club, Lansdale, SC: The only social club in Lansdale that you probably don't need a membership to. If you can get Kemper to open the door you can more than likely talk him into letting you in. I always can anyway. Cheep beer, shitty food, and an interesting crowd. The crowd is youngish for a SC.

17.The Eagle's Club, Lansdale, SC: Don't try unless ya got a membership or are with someone who does. Cheap beer and some cool people. They also have the longest long board in Lansdale if you like throwing quaits. You can also score in here and the bathrooms are good for lines.

18.The Vets, Lansdale, SC: If you are not a member just stay away.

19.Huey's, Lansdale (This denoted the end of the regular tour):The best food in the area! The booze prices are steep but the shots come in rocks glasses and usually equal a double or triple! Also, don't bother going in there unless it's Monday or Tuesday night. Friday and Saturday nights are good as well. These are the nights that have the good bartenders.

20.The Blue Dog, Lansdale*: Another strapper bar. OK food. Great beer selection though! Nice pool tables. There tends to be a healthy population of cute chicks.

21.Suspenders, Salford*: Jimmy, the old bartender at the 5th, bought this place a couple a of years back. He really cleaned the place up and made it kind of nice. The food is OK and the prices are average. Nice pool tables and plenty of seating. Usually a sausage fest.

22.Lower Salford Pub, Salford*: A total strapper bar. The food is above average tho, but the prices are kind of steep. A good place to stop a do a line or two before the end of the tour at the next stop.

23.Cloud Nine, Franconia *: What can I say about the Cloud that you already don't know. By this time you are probably all fucked up so be careful, cops hound this joint. Finish off what night there is left and head out to a party...

This concludes our drunken downward spiral into the slimy parts of our fair community. Wipe off your nose, and squirt some visine in your eye. The next tour is on it’s way…

Also look for my in depth reviews of other bars in the Philly area.

Outpatient 8
May 12th, 2005